Ray

I was run. For the first time in my life I run with my own will. And it feels kind of great actually. I run in my neighborhood. I firstly think that I’m not gonna make it. But I did you knoh? I’m surprised with my own strength.

But when he said,” rather than dieting you better run lah.” So since my diet is screwed, and my physical condition is not very well these days, so I think, why don’t run? I mean, I have nothing to lose, just try it.

So I did. And I can. And it feels so great when you run and the music playing, the leaves are falling and the wind blow your hair and touch your skin, plus, with skipper play with me…it was perfect…

I sms him and asked him to run with me. But he said he don’t like running, he prefer swimming. Iya lah…sapa jg yg ga prefer swimming. I mean, swim kita ga kringetan gitu lho...i did swim for whole my life cos i hate running. but seriously, when i asked him to run with me, i'm being serious. i really want him to be by my side.

So, I have a new addiction. RUN…run when I feel like running away from my real life and real problems…just RUN…

Today, i had just have my 'exercise'
Yup, i ran from the 1st floor to the 4th all day long.
We'll have the SLH teacher training on Monday to Wednesday..
so...i must prepare for the dormitory ready before they come...
Hiks.....
Hectic day...so tired lah..
Can you imagine? i've never had a real exercise in 5 years.
And today, i ran like crazy, walk like there's no tomorow...
sigh..
deep sigh....
The good news is i am survived it...
Things that did not kill us make us stronger..^^ hoho...

Yesterday I had just watch Sex and The City the Movie. It was awesome, the dresses are gorgeous, and the shoes are killer, OMG. I envy them so much. But most of all, I learned a lot from 2 of the character. First is Carrie, which was left on her wedding day. I was so angry when Big left Carrie because of his doubt. And I think I’ll do the exact same thing with Carrie when she meets him in that street. But then I think what if it is me? What if it is me that’s left behind in my own wedding uncertain if whether I’m going to do the right thing?

Somehow I agree with Big, he make the right decision, if you’re unsure don’t do it. I mean, marriage is a life time commitment. Even tough I think there’s no reason that can justified a man to left a woman that were 2 feet away from about walking down the aisle on her wedding day. I was like, “Jerk, how dare him, oh that jerk” I keep repeating that line when I was watch the scene. Coz I mean, look at her, she’s drop dead gorgeous, and was left on her wedding day. I couldn’t imagine being in her shoes. But then I also think what if Carrie isn’t that emotional when she saw Big? What if she listens to what he said that he’s sorry, but now he’s ready to marring her? Can she still love him like before? Can she forgive and forgetting his mistake? Can she trust him like before? I don’t think it so…

Then there’s Miranda. I somehow feel empathy for her. I mean, which woman that wants to see the man of your life confessing that he had an affair. Even tough his affair is just a one time mistake, but still, he’s cheating. I won’t blame Miranda for doing things that she did, I mean, I might doing the same thing if I were her. But seeing Steve begging for forgiveness, it just heart breaking. I knew that he’s in love with her and he’s sorry.

There’s one scene where Steve and Miranda is in the marriage counseling. Then she said, “I don’t know if I can trust him that he does not gonna cheat anymore” then what shock me the most is what Steve said, “I don’t know, u make me hard to trust you. I don’t know if I can believe that she does not gonna punished me for the rest of my life” BUMP. I mean. He’s right, so rite. We, women, are love to bringing up old baggage, old mistake, old problem. Somehow for these matter, we have a complete memory, he have a huge brain capacity to remember all the things that our man did wrong. I can not blame him, he loves her but if he get back with her, will she punished him?

One of my fav scenes is in the bridge, when Steve and Miranda were told to meet there if they were agree to get back together, but when the showed up in the bridge, they’re a totally new people, the past is over, they must forget it. I love when I see Steve come up, I mean, he’s always love her, and we can tell from his face. Love love love to see them get back together.

In the end, everything is becoming clear, that gorgeous dress, flowers, and perfect place to get married are not important. What important is who’s the one that u marring? Do you love him or not? Are you willing to spend the rest of your life committed to him? That’s what matter the most.

I once said in my previous post, bahwa spupuku in her wedding day said,” love is all about choosing”. Well. I now understand one thing, bahwa mencintai itu adalah keputusan yang diambil setiap saatnya dalam setiap hari kehidupan kita. Ketika kita memilih untuk tersenyum, memberikan senyum terbaik kita di pagi hari untuknya, ketika kita memilih untuk bangun dan berjalan menemani dia berjalan di saat kita tidak ingin ke mana-mana. Ketika kita memilih untuk tidak BT dan down meskipun hari kita buruk, karena tau, ketika kita sedih dan marah dia merasakan hal yang sama, Dia terpengaruh oleh kita. Ketika kita memilih untuk menatap dia dengan kasih saat mata kita bertemu. Ketika kita memilih untuk menanggapi dia dengan sepenuh hati meskipun kita sedang tidak ingin menanggapi pertanyaan-pertanyan dan tindakannya.

I learned those things from a man that I love. Aku mencitai dia ketika dia berjalan dan mampir ke meja ku untuk sekedar ngobrol basa basi. Aku mencintai dia ketika dia menatap ku dari balik komputernya di tengah kepenatan kerja. Aku mencintai dia ketika dia berinisiatif memberikan aku sesuatu yang aku butuhkan tapi bahkan akupun tidak sadar aku membutuhkannya. Aku mencintai dia ketika dia berbicara menjelaskan sesuatu, I think I can get lost in space when he speaks lar he’s so cool and manly when he explain something. Aku mencintai dia ketika dia menatap ku dengan khawatir saat aku diam dan bersedih dan bertanya, “mikirin apa sih?”. Aku mencintai dia ketika dia berkata “iya nggak papa..” ketika aku meminta maaf atas kesalahan yang aku buat dan ketika aku merepotkan dia. Aku mencintai dia ketika dia berkata, ”bukan marah, Cuma sekedar ngingetin, jadi besok-besok nggak gitu lagi” ketika dia menegurku, dia membuatku ingin menjadi perempuan yang lebih baik lagiii… Aku mencintai dia ketika dia mengingatkan ku akan sesuatu karena dia tau aku pasti lupa. Aku mencintai dia ketika dia mengatakan dia membawakan sesuatu yang aku minta, yang literally aku sendiri lupa aku minta. Aku mencintai dia ketika dia tersenyum pada ku dan berada di sisiku, saying nothing and doing nothing, just simply there. Aku mencintai dia ketika aku akan memotong kerjaan dengan gunting dia bilang, “pake cutter lah, lebih gampang pake cutter.” Itu menjelaskan kenapa ada kaca di meja [untuk natakin kertas yg akan ku cutter] dari tadi [dan yang harus ku pottong memang ternyata lebih mudah di cutter, karena nggak ada garis pembatasnya, kl aku pk gunting aku pasti kesulitan, secara mataku silinder]. Aku mencintai dia ketika meskipun aku berkata aku nggak punya sense of art dan nggak kreatif, waktu aku mendesign sesuatu dia berkata, “tu bagus kog, tu ada sense of art.” Rasanya aku banggaaaa sekali. ^^… Aku mencintai dia ketika saat aku nggak percaya sama diriku sendiri, dia percaya.

I guess, nggak ada sesuatu pun yang bisa menyiapkan kita untuk bersiap-siap menyambut datangnya cinta. Nggak ada manual book yang good enough to explain how to love your spouse. How to love, how to accept love. Aku emang amatiran, nggak tau gimana mencintai orang, dan terlebih aku nggak pernah disiapkan untuk menerima cinta. Aku nggak tau harus bagaimana saat aku mencintai orang dan terlebih lagi aku nggak tau harus bagaimana saat dicintai.
So, since there’s no manual book. I have to create one for myself.
#1. Relax, enjoy, and appreciate.
#2. If you don’t know how to show your love to someone. Learned what he/she did to you, and give it back in return.
#3. Look for what he/she need, and fulfill it. Cos love is giving what he/she need the most when they need it the least.
#4. Accept him for what he is. Give thanks for him in a whole package. I mean, we’re not perfect either kan.
#5. I think Love is doing simple and everyday things for the one that we love.
#6. Love him as if today I had just fallin in love with him and love him as if today is my last day on earth.
#7. I still believe eye is the window of d heart. So look at him in the eyes n let you eyes tell him how much u love him.
#8. Tell him thank you, thank you for making you the happiest woman alive, thank you for always be there for you, thank you for everything that he had done for you, thank you for making your life never be the same.
#9. Forgive him for every mistake that he did and together, hand by hand learn to be a better person for each other.
#10. Tell him always, how much you love him. As often as possible, coz we can easily forget how much we’re loved.

P.S: This post dedicated to a man that had changed my life forever.

Is silent not an expression?
Is stand still decreasing the value of expression ?
What do we find in loneliness?
What do we give in silent?
Is silent and loneliness can shut my heart up?

Can eye contact deliver what's in my heart?
Is expression and body language completed a communication?
Is touch has meanings?
Is every word that i said sealed the truth?

So, what is it? what?
Is it ? or is it not?
Can it? or can it not?
Answer me please....

I just can not understand why.
Why he loves me.
What does he sees in me...
I mean, I can not see why…
can not understand why I deserve his love.
I mean, when I’m with him, I become so childish.
I sometimes think that he might think I’m a spoiled brat.
I can not cook, can not clean, can not do anything,
I do not do that whole public transportation thing, I only go with car n driver,
I’m not humble,
I’m not someone that can comfortable by just being me;
I’m so clueless about life, love and about loving someone…
sooo, what does he sees in me?

i ask Pre, "pre, when i'm with him i'm so childish.
i dont think he'll love me because of that."
and then pre answered, "sa...orang yang dituntut dewasa kaya kita,
cuma bisa manja sama orang yang kita pikir
"bisa menerima kemanjaan kita" dan itu jumlahnya sedikit"

she's rite, so rite....T.T
huhuhuhu....

Now i know...
Now i know what it is feels like to be loved by Jesus.

damn...
it's ain't easy to love someone
How could you love someone unconditionally??
How??
Tell me!!

I can not believe my eyes, my ears, my heart...
I've never met a man like him before...
somehow i think he love me unconditionally..
i mean, when i do not give any respond to him,
or when i'm in the bad mood, or sad, or mad, or happy.
he just simply being there for me...
he always showered me with his love and kindness, 
no matter how bad do i responding him.
Still,
He love me and cared for me...

looking at him, i remember Jesus...
i suddenly remember how he always love me and cared for me
no matter how am i gonna respond him...
i think my relationship with him rite now isn't about him.
isn't about me either...
but about me to Him...
my heart to Him...

254898471_98b34cf2e4

I think LOVE is addictive..
Not only marijuana, nightlife and alcohol, but love is addictif.
I think, somehow, we might say, we do not need love.
We're doing just fine without love in our life.

But, either we realized it or not, we NEED love.
We need to love and to be loved...
The question isn't do we want love and to be loved or not.
because we simply need it.

We need it from the bottom of our heart.
No matter how hard we denied it...
We just can not lie to our self, at least we can not lie forever.

Once we tasted how is it feel to be loved, to be cared...
We wanted more and more...
AND...
We wanted to give it back in return also....
That's the thing that i amazed from love.
The power of love,
When we give it whole heartedly,
We will get it back...
When we give it genuinely,
It will touch someone's heart.
Even the broken and coldest heart...

love you

i think having a love life is tiring.

i am soooo tired.

tired of loving

tired of guessing

tired of not knowing

tired of crying

tired of expecting things and someone that [may be] will never come...

sigh

deep sigh

speechless...

i just love him for the way he is

i just want to get to know him even more

i just want to be by his side and only him

i just want him to love me

i just want him to look at me in the eyes, and only me

i just want to walk with him in the longest road ever...

i just want the time to goes slowly as slow as possible when i'm with him.

i just want to see him smile, laugh, happy, simply happy

i just want HIM literaly...

for God's sake, that's all that i'm asking for...

T.T

HE is so SWEET!
this morning i came to the office with him walking in front of me.
just a meter away from me.
and then, i go to the absence machine and he go straight to the elevator.
when i finish my absence, i see to the elevator and he's GONE
he left me...
how come ???
i mean he's a very caring person
he must have know i was walking after him...
and he left me ??
OMG
i was so pissed...

when i came to my desk, 
i saw mycomputer had already turned on.
i was confused,
i'm so sure that i've turned off my computer the day before..
but i didnt really think of it...
i was still pissed at him.

and then, about noon, i remember...
yesterday he asked me to restarting my computer
but YES i did forgoten...
and this morning when i get to the office my comp had already restarting..

and then i realized
it must be him..
he never meant to left me
 he go up first coz he know i must have forgot to restaring my comp
and he did it for me
so when i get to my desk, the comp is ready...
OMG
isn't he sweet??
oh, i love him even more lah..
hihihihi